Jessica

 

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
- Bertrand Russell

 

There's an empty place inside that is hurting me
A place that keeps my heart out on its own
A disconnected function of my wretchedness
That keeps me so hard pressed
It's a place where words are spoken you
will never hear
A broken bridge of lines that just won't come
An empty lung that won't give the wind
to speak at me
How far can it be from home

Why you gotta be so mean to me
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me

Do you think that it got up and left
for good this time
A crowd of faceless strangers moving on
A feeling that you left it all behind you now
That it doesn't hurt somehow
To know


So open up the book that you keep deep inside
Let the pages yellow in the sun
Show them that you're not afraid to let them see
How far you can be From home

Why you gotta be so mean to me
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so fucking mean to me
Why you gotta be Why you gotta be
Why you gotta be Why you gotta be
Why you gotta be Why you gotta be
Why you gotta be so mean to me

Holding lightly
Words that make you aware
Your head's spinning
No one knows you're not there
Blankly staring
Strangers call you a friend
The power you hold
Is a power that mends

You can't go on
No you can't even talk
Your future says run
But you can't even walk

So you harbor
Standing idly by
Indescretions, slowly turn into lies
Your're half empty
They don't know how it feels
The power inside
Is a power that heals

But You can't go on
No you can't even talk
Your future says run
But you can't even walk

So not too much is going on right now...
Everything's going by so fast.

I miss my childhood. I miss how Saturday nights used to be. Parent's go bowling, Jenny Pepper would babysit us. Or the neighbors Eric and Troy. God I had a huge crush on them when I was little lol. Everyone knew too. I remember, we would play house in the basement, and my sister always got to be the mom, or Eric's wife. I was so mad that I never got to be "married" to Eric. Lol I was a nerd.

I have so many memories I hope I never forget.

You know, I write a lot of sentimental crap. Too much.

There are friends I have right now that I really don't want to hang out with anymore. I know that sounds bad, but everytime I hang out with one person, they make me feel like crap. They sort of disagree with everything I say like sorry I don't believe everything you do. I am different than you. Not like they can't disagree with me, its not like that... it's that when they do, they make me feel like crap. It pisses me off.

The only person I really like from our school is Sarah. and seana she rocks.

I'm glad I know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Although it doesn't pay too well, I know I will be so happy doing it. And the money that my doctor husband makes will make it all great!!


I don't want to grow up.



CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER


"The least they ever gave you was the most you ever knew. And I wonder where these dreams go when the world gets in your way, whats the point in all this screaming, no ones listening anyway..."
"She wonders where these dreams go, cuz the world got in her way...."
"You know I see right through you cuz the world gets in your way...."


That song reminds me of Eric. Makes me wanna cry.

Ok yeah I would never do that.

You know if I could be anything


I would be a fucking rock star.

Rough... yesterday was a bad day/night. God I miss him. Looked at pictures yesterday...

try to fight back the tears

I'm off to go to my cousins party.

All those times I said I was mad at you I really just felt not good enough... not good enough to be your friend, not good enough to be like your friends.

so school in 10 minutes. am i ready? no. do i look like crap? yes. am i going to do anything about it? no.


I wish I had more classes with people I know... but hey, make new friends.


I think of those people who don't have school yet and I hate them. It is cold in here.


And so the schedule begins. Wake up at 5:30 a.m. Bah.

Locked my planner with my locker number and com in my locker. I hope Molly's right.

Today the stupid games begin. 'Find someone who is an only child' 'Find someone who has a birthday in June''Find someone whose name starts with an E'... God I hate those stupid things.

So my dad woke me up at 9 o'clock to go to the car dealership. He's like go get ready, I have to go to the bank. So he calls a few minutes ago and he's like I'm at a dealership in walled lake. I swear its like he sees them when he's driving and just pulls in to every single one.

So I had a dream... first, I was in some drivers ed thing and Dennis was there. So we were talking and I wrote my number and sn on his hand and then his girlfriend comes up and turns out she's pregnant. That was weird. So then I'm at school and its like totally open building no classrooms with walls and doors and so I was looking for him and mr. jennings taught science and we had to write our name on a piece of paper and I kept doing mine over and over again because I didn't like it. So me and my friends were kind of looking for him but couldn't find him but I just kept thinking of how he got his gf pregnant. So then, Some how I ended up at the mall I think and Jason was there and he started talking to me and we were walking and he grabs my hand and I was like no and pulled away and then we were by this store in the mall and i'm like i have to go and he kisses me and katie takes a picture and i was like no and pulled away and was just like no no no no.

now i have to go my dad is home.

someone tell me they have some of the same classes with me

1st semester

1) pers. fitness - teeple
2) Int Math 3 - Munoz
3) World Lit AA - Spletzer
4) AP Env. Science AA -Weston
5) Psych 1 - Abraham
6) French 4 - Potts

Here's where things get switched around
2nd Semester

1)Psych 2 - Abraham
2) Int. Math 3- Munoz
3) World Lit bb - spletzer
4) AP Env. Science bb - Weston
5) Weights - Jennings
6) French 4- Potts

Please...

you know sometimes you really piss me off.

sometimes you really make me feel like shit.

fuck off.

this helped... not

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

i feel like crap like a total idiot but yet it hasn't seemed to change much. Despite all of that, I still want to do what got me in this probably self-proclaimed "mess". What can I say? I'm screwed up.

My sister called today 2nd time I've talked to her in almost 3 weeks. At first I didn't really realize it. I was like "hello" and she was like "hi!" and I was like "hi" and she asks, "how are u" and I say "oh! Hi! How are you? good." she starts to laugh and asks if I didn't know who it was. They won $325 at the casino.

And, of course I feel like more of an asshole when I talk to Rob sometimes. Sometimes he mentions certain stuff and I just try to avoid it or change the subject. And of course, obviously, he realizes it and says something about it. Which makes me feel like more of an asshole. He tells me that somehow, I know more about him then his best friend, that he tells me more than he tells anyone. Same right back to him. Well there are somethings I dont tell him, but those are things I don't tell anyone really. And I really wish I had that one friend, or maybe a couple, that I could tell that stuff to.

I always think "next year will be different" but it never is. I hate to give up on that but it's just like getting my hopes up because no kidding, nothing goes as planned. I wish Rob were online so I could talk to him. I don't think he knows how much he has become a really good friend to me and its weird cuz we've never met in person and prolly wont for a while. He thinks its because of my cousin but its not. Would I tell him the real reason? No.

So I was babysitting today and we were laying in his parents bed, watching tv, he had been sick lately so she said that all they have been doing is laying in bed watching movies and stuff and reading so she just moved the tv in there. So I decided to take a little nap too with him cuz I had only got like 3 hours of sleep the night before and so, around like 2 I wake up, and he was on the very edge of the bed but didn't think anything of it. Then all of a sudden, he rolls over and falls right on the floor. I jumped up and was like are you ok?! And picked him up and put him back on the bed and he just says "can I watch veggie tales?" I was laughing and like, in a few minutes. And he fell back to sleep. I know it sounds mean but it really was funny.

Night.

so nothing much has been happening. have to go upnorth this weekend that should be a drag unless i find somewhere to stay which i probably wont. Hey I only have to pay $30 in book fines instead of $110 that was cool.

rob keeps asking me to hang out and hes cool to talk to and all so i dont know why everytime he asks i make up some kind of excuse or something and tell him i can't. I actually do know why tho. but still, i dont know, i think that for him actually being willing to drive all the way to my house he would be dissapointed. but its not that big of a deal for him to drive to my house i guess because he goes to detroit like everyday.

I know this sounds stupid and I know I will totally regret this later but I like school years because I feel like I have accomplished something. I told my dad that if he quit smoking i would get straight A's and pay for all of my car payments (he said i only have to pay 100 of it a month) but i dont know. I asked him "do you want to die like grandpa and jeff?" and he was just like "no" and i go "then i suggest u do something about it or its gonna happen" either that or i'll just start i dont know its just like I know that I have done it and shit but its different because its my dad and i know how that cancer shit works and i dont wanna see him be like that and im just scared.

some one call me. not now. maybe tomorrow.

so im back and i have been really happy I talked to my cousin for the first time in years... a real conversation too not just one about drugs like the other ones we used to have. She is doing so much better and everyone who knows is so proud of her. I think you really just need to know how things were before to really know or understand how much better things are and how big this really is. She talked to me about the place shes staying at, it's like $100 a week and there's NA meetings she goes to, they helped her get a job, and she's beginning to see a lot of old friends going to the meetings and she has a new boyfriend, she's so much happier.

I know you guys probably don't really care but I am so happy about it that I am going to write almost everything here.

Where should I start... I asked her how long she had been doing meth for a she said about a year and i asked how often she did it, like every day, ever couple hours and she was like "about every 5 minutes" and I was like "wow didn't that cost a lot too" - "nope didn't cost me a fucking dime. my friends got me high."
and we were talking about her new bf and she was like, "well see, i used to have really low self esteem and i always thought that no guy would ever like me because i was kinda fat and then so i started doing meth and that kept me at like 120 pounds and so i got guys and stuff but of course they weren't good ya know, but now that i've stopped and all this has happened, i've gained weight but now its like more guys like me now then they did when I was all messed up and shit."

and she was telling me that about half her friends right now are in jail and one is getting life because he killed their friend and i was like wtf and shes like "he shot him four times in the chest. Thats what meth does to you. i got to the point where i almost seriously killed someone and thats when I was like whoa i can't do this anymore"

She told me how she wasn't sure if she wanted to move back, because you know all her friends are their, she'd have to find a new job, save up money for a car. so i asked if she was going to go to college or something and shes like well i still have to get my ged i haven't gone to school since i was like 15. but, i want to go to college and thats another reason i dont really want to leave yet because they will pay for all my college. how fucking great is that, they will pay for her college. so she will probably come here and visit or something once she gets off probation and her year is up and stuff but she will go back there.

my uncle, on the other hand, once again, isn't doing to well at all. he's been going to my grandma's a lot, which he usually does a lot anyway, which i guess is somewhat good because its a few hours out of the day that he's not drinking. but he's really upset about linsey graduating and not being able to see and stuff and go to her party b/c he wasn't invited. he told my grandma he wants to kill himself but i really dont know i think he really doesn't want to because he has been like that for a while kind of and i just think he wants to get better and get things straight but he has to do it for himself and stuff and he hasn't realized all that yet.so, mandy has heard and all that so she was going to call grandma and see if he was there and talk to him and stuff and hopefully try to get him down there with her and go to a place like she's going and get his life straight and stuff. we all think its a good idea and that it would work but even if it doesn't atleast he will be some where warm for the winters. So I know she called and talked to him but i dont know what really was said and whats going on and stuff and i wanted to talk to my cousin but shes not online and i can just call her tomorrow or something.

I hope he goes and things change i am so happy for mandy you have no idea. omg she told me where she went to jail, tent city. shes like its the worst prision in the us, they send a lot of people east to out here to go to here there's a lot of fights and shit and you sleep in tents and its really really bad. and she just told me all about it and it really scared me. She was telling me all this stuff and shes like "you don't want to get into that. you don't want to be like me. i know its not what you want to hear, but you don't. you know i can't even get an apartment right now because i am a convicted felon. I can't get an apartment until after im off probation then it will be put on as a misdemenor." but its prolly good she can't get an apartment.

i am so tired im going to go to sleep we got up early and babysat her little cousin. lol we were eating these little popsicles over there and we were on the couch and he was in his highchair thing watching tv and eating the popsicle and all of a sudden he starts screaming and hes like pointing in his diaper and we jump up and he dropped the popsicle down his diaper lol it was the funniest thing though.

hey im at my cousins watching elimidate. tomorrow we're going to the fowlerville fair and then sunday we're going to babysit her little cousin who is 2 i think. hm i think im gonna go.


move bitch get out the way get out the way bitch get out the way

we were at her friend rjs downstairs and BET was on and that song was on and we were like what a nice song and then my cousin was over with the hoolahooop and rj goes over to her and she goes "get out the way bitch get out the way" you just had to be there i guess.

gross. i got john and brittany. atleast I got Jessica. I like that better.

Where's my name bitch!?

I'm trying to do that what should your name be thing and its not working. I want my name. I'll try again.

ok so today i got my furniture how exciting tomorrow im going to my cousins and sunday i am coming home hopefully hanging out with karen soon there isnt much to do though really so who knows. this is short i dont have too much to say but oh man.

ok so the concert was good. i was surprised to smell weed being smoked there too. Ever since I have been back from my cousins I have had this huge urge to go out and party. But, of course, I have no one to party with because the only friend I had that was good to party with I bitched at and now she wont talk to me anymore which i guess is understandable. And one more has blocked me which I don't really get that too much.

I don't know if I want to take guitar lessons any more. I like to do things leisurely and when I have to go do something I don't like it. Same with tennis. But I want to learn more.

God this whole situation makes me sick to my stomache and sad as hell. I don't think you understood what I was trying to say and took most of it the wrong way. But I guess you're sick of talking to me so this will just stay this way.

Some one party with me!!